Summary: spelling and punctuation
[[Image:RollerbladeLastSupper.jpg|630px|thumb|left|We're bringing sexy back, on wheels. Photo by Enrique Zepeda Venegas/[http://www.flickr.com/photos/mexgroove/4065371220/ flickr]/CC]]
If you?re anything like me, you spend three to four hours a week sitting on your stoop, rollerblades at your side, chin in hands, wrangling with the inherent contradiction of the world?s most extreme inline sport: It?s exceedingly fun, but decidedly uncool. You watch kids pass by on their supposedly cool BMX bikes, heckling you. If it?s raining, they do that thing where they prop up their bikes so the rear tire is hovering in a puddle, then pedal really hard to shoot a rooster tail at your person.
This never would have happened in the ?90s, rollerblading?s golden era. In this how-to, you?ll learn what you can do to save the very respectability of placing four wheels in a line and bolting them to a boot.
''This how-to was written by Matt Simon, who edits Wired?s [http://www.wired.com/thisdayintech/ This Day in Tech] blog, and who at the age of 13 became the world?s lankiest, most hapless roller hockey goaltender, weighing in at a mere 80 pounds.''
==Embrace the Past==
Fashion runs in cycles of about 20 years and, as luck would have it, we?re coming up on the resurgence of rollerblading?s mid-?90s fashion. Do not, however, attempt this fashion resurrection on your own. You?ll be needing assistance.
In any large city you?ll find a gathering of folks called hipsters, usually lounging in a park or drinking in a cafe or dive bar, who are highly skilled at rehashing dated trends ? especially when it comes to fashion. In particular, their meticulous use of irony is an aesthetic wonder in and of itself. Don?t discount this irony, as it will be a key factor in restoring rollerblading to its rightful status.
You?ll find that the hipsters have outfitted you with plaid and perhaps even neon colors. This is entirely normal. You?ll be provided with protective gear not for its protectiveness, but for its neon colors. Again, embrace the irony. Wear this gear even when not rollerblading. In so doing you will develop a brand new subculture that is both colorful and resistant to boo-boos.
==Marketing: Your Friend Until Someone Uses Advertising to Convince You Otherwise==
Marketers can make anything cool. This is because in college they were almost certainly communication majors, a course load that afforded them plenty of free time to hone their social skills. For a price, they?ll do for rollerblading what the Fonz did for intellectual laziness.
Now, a marketer?s go-to strategy is sex, and you should not shy away from this. You might ask: Can rollerblading even be sexy? The short answer is ?yes.? The long answer is ?yes, but you should be prepared to spend a lot of money.?
==Celebrity Endorsement==
Considered to be a subspecies of the marketer, the celebrity uses charm and good looks to sell things. All it takes to popularize a product is to get one of these people to wear it in public. The paparazzi do the rest.
Begin by looking at the movie ''Hackers'' for potential celebrity endorsers.
[[Image:Hackersbladers.jpg|630px|thumb|left|Screenshot from ''Hackers'', 1994.]]
Starring Angelina Jolie as the best-looking hacker in the history of computers and someone named Matthew Lillard in a grating role that could only be described as the inspiration for Jar Jar Binks, this film features a lot of rollerblading. A lot. I really can?t stress enough how much gratuitous rollerblading is in this film.
We know these actors already have the training to sport a sweet pair of rollerblades for a few hours. It?s just a matter of reaching an agreement on a price. Should you determine their rate to be too costly, pay the $5 to get into a wax museum and equip Angelina with the rollerblades yourself.
==Accessorize==
Carry a hockey stick. Folks will naturally assume you?re on your way to a roller hockey game, which can actually be a pretty cool happening. Roller hockey?s profitability, however, is elusive. To this the Roller Hockey International league, which operated in the U.S. between 1993 and 1999, can attest. Bankruptcy never has been and never will be cool. Luckily, no one has ever heard of the Roller Hockey International league, so you should be good to go here.
Also, think about investing in a ramp of some sort. Nothing says "cool" like being briefly airborne. Bring construction cones with which to mark the territory where you will be executing stunts off of this ramp, since safety is considered to be cool in most circles, especially among the emergency workers who will inevitably be attending to you.
==Redefine Cool==
If after carefully following each of the aforementioned steps you find that children with BMX bikes are still heckling/assaulting you, the final and patently desperate step is semantic transmogrification. English is nothing if not malleable.
Call up various producers of dictionaries, such as Merriam-Webster and Oxford, and announce your intention of redefining ?cool.? Say something like: ?You know what you?d find if you looked up the definition of ?cool?? You?d find a picture of me. On rollerblades. Rolling circles around the savage children who have assaulted me.? Then, just hang up.
[[Category:Extreme Sports]]
[[Category:Cool]]
[[Category:Hackers]]
If you?re anything like me, you spend three to four hours a week sitting on your stoop, rollerblades at your side, chin in hands, wrangling with the inherent contradiction of the world?s most extreme inline sport: It?s exceedingly fun, but decidedly uncool. You watch kids pass by on their supposedly cool BMX bikes, heckling you. If it?s raining, they do that thing where they prop up their bikes so the rear tire is hovering in a puddle, then pedal really hard to shoot a rooster tail at your person.
This never would have happened in the ?90s, rollerblading?s golden era. In this how-to, you?ll learn what you can do to save the very respectability of placing four wheels in a line and bolting them to a boot.
''This how-to was written by Matt Simon, who edits Wired?s [http://www.wired.com/thisdayintech/ This Day in Tech] blog, and who at the age of 13 became the world?s lankiest, most hapless roller hockey goaltender, weighing in at a mere 80 pounds.''
==Embrace the Past==
Fashion runs in cycles of about 20 years and, as luck would have it, we?re coming up on the resurgence of rollerblading?s mid-?90s fashion. Do not, however, attempt this fashion resurrection on your own. You?ll be needing assistance.
In any large city you?ll find a gathering of folks called hipsters, usually lounging in a park or drinking in a cafe or dive bar, who are highly skilled at rehashing dated trends ? especially when it comes to fashion. In particular, their meticulous use of irony is an aesthetic wonder in and of itself. Don?t discount this irony, as it will be a key factor in restoring rollerblading to its rightful status.
You?ll find that the hipsters have outfitted you with plaid and perhaps even neon colors. This is entirely normal. You?ll be provided with protective gear not for its protectiveness, but for its neon colors. Again, embrace the irony. Wear this gear even when not rollerblading. In so doing you will develop a brand new subculture that is both colorful and resistant to boo-boos.
==Marketing: Your Friend Until Someone Uses Advertising to Convince You Otherwise==
Marketers can make anything cool. This is because in college they were almost certainly communication majors, a course load that afforded them plenty of free time to hone their social skills. For a price, they?ll do for rollerblading what the Fonz did for intellectual laziness.
Now, a marketer?s go-to strategy is sex, and you should not shy away from this. You might ask: Can rollerblading even be sexy? The short answer is ?yes.? The long answer is ?yes, but you should be prepared to spend a lot of money.?
==Celebrity Endorsement==
Considered to be a subspecies of the marketer, the celebrity uses charm and good looks to sell things. All it takes to popularize a product is to get one of these people to wear it in public. The paparazzi do the rest.
Begin by looking at the movie ''Hackers'' for potential celebrity endorsers.
[[Image:Hackersbladers.jpg|630px|thumb|left|Screenshot from ''Hackers'', 1994.]]
Starring Angelina Jolie as the best-looking hacker in the history of computers and someone named Matthew Lillard in a grating role that could only be described as the inspiration for Jar Jar Binks, this film features a lot of rollerblading. A lot. I really can?t stress enough how much gratuitous rollerblading is in this film.
We know these actors already have the training to sport a sweet pair of rollerblades for a few hours. It?s just a matter of reaching an agreement on a price. Should you determine their rate to be too costly, pay the $5 to get into a wax museum and equip Angelina with the rollerblades yourself.
==Accessorize==
Carry a hockey stick. Folks will naturally assume you?re on your way to a roller hockey game, which can actually be a pretty cool happening. Roller hockey?s profitability, however, is elusive. To this the Roller Hockey International league, which operated in the U.S. between 1993 and 1999, can attest. Bankruptcy never has been and never will be cool. Luckily, no one has ever heard of the Roller Hockey International league, so you should be good to go here.
Also, think about investing in a ramp of some sort. Nothing says "cool" like being briefly airborne. Bring construction cones with which to mark the territory where you will be executing stunts off of this ramp, since safety is considered to be cool in most circles, especially among the emergency workers who will inevitably be attending to you.
==Redefine Cool==
If after carefully following each of the aforementioned steps you find that children with BMX bikes are still heckling/assaulting you, the final and patently desperate step is semantic transmogrification. English is nothing if not malleable.
Call up various producers of dictionaries, such as Merriam-Webster and Oxford, and announce your intention of redefining ?cool.? Say something like: ?You know what you?d find if you looked up the definition of ?cool?? You?d find a picture of me. On rollerblades. Rolling circles around the savage children who have assaulted me.? Then, just hang up.
[[Category:Extreme Sports]]
[[Category:Cool]]
[[Category:Hackers]]
Source: http://feeds.wired.com/~r/howtowiki/~3/wcDDiF8E8vQ/Make_Rollerblading_as_Cool_as_It_Was_in_1994
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